Monday, September 06, 2004

To Jacinda.

Yeah. I admitted I bitched about you. And I just found out from Xinya that you bitched about me too. She didn`t tell me last time. It was recently then I knew about it. It`s like, I don`t go around bitching about other ppl if they don`t do it to me.

"When Janine first told us what kind of person are you, We didn't believe it. Now we do. Now we do." I wasn`t bitching about you. You didn`t even know what I said to Ya. What kind of person you are to me. You wanna know? Seriously, I like your company. As in when we`re alone. Only two of us. You are yourself when we`re alone. You`d joke with me, tell me your secrets. I appreciate that. But once we`re with the rest of the netballers or our clique, your attitude towards me change. It really changes. It`s phreaky sometimes. You`ll just keep on critising me. I don`t know why. Maybe you didn`t even notice it. But the rest did. And they even told me about it. I didn`t even complain or bitch about you to anyone these two years. I just kept quiet about it. It`s like, I was the only one whom you kept "throwing your tantrum" to. You can just call me and talk about your day and everything. You can talk about the Jeff guy and you expect me to listen to it and want my advices. I really gave you my personal opinions every single time. And I was sincere about it. But, once I start talking about Aloy or some other peeps, You`d be totally uninterested and go "Why do you keep mentioning about them?" It`s like, you can confide in me, but I can`t confide in you. It`s not fair. I don`t even dare to tell you some things now. You always seem uninterested about MY things but expect me to listen to all your stuff. You`ve changed. You really changed since primary school. I mean, everyone changes. But your change... I really can`t accept it. It phreaks me. Yes I feel very suffocated everytime I`m with you. I can`t be myself. You`d be diao-ing and diao-ing and sometimes I can`t stand it. But I didn`t tell you. I seriously thought you`d change. But you didn`t. You became worse and worse until I recently found out that the rest had the same thinking with me. I thought I was the only one who thought that of you. I know best budds shouldn`t think of one another like that. But what could I do? You were treating me like your substitude. Seriously, I think I`m the substitude here. Not Xinya. You may say that you didn`t treat me like one, and that I was just thinking too much, but NO. Seriously. I FELT that way. At least you don`t diao Ya as often as you diao-ed me. As in, you don`t act the same way when I`m with you and when Ya`s with you. I admit sometimes I`d be jealous when I see you so jokingly with them and I always wonder why you aren`t the same with me. Everytime I feel pissed with the way you`re treating me, I just laugh it off in the end. Now you know why everytime after talking to you, I`d giggle at the end. It`s not that I`m lame or anything. It`s just that I was scared that you would be pissed with me. Like HELLO? Why should I feel that way? I`m your best budd. Or maybe you don`t regard me as yours now.

These few days, after your fight with Ya, I still act normal to you. Why? I thought you would change your attitude or something. But that day, Ya told me that you called her a bitch when you walkd past here. I KNOW THAT FEELING. I`ve experienced it before with you many times. It hurts and stings badly. It really does. I think I`m the only one who knew how Ya felt that time. At least if you guys fight, why not just ignore each other? Why must you make such a remark? You`re always jokingly calling me a bitch when we`re outside too. I didn`t take it seriously cuase I knew you were merely joking, but let me tell you, it hurts. I`m not being touchy here. I`m just telling you how I feel. Everytime I try to talk to you about your attitude, I`d chickened out. Many times Ru and I wanted to have a chat with you about it, but guess what, we didn`t. Cause we both know how you`re gonna react. You know it too.

I don`t hate you or anything. We`re supposed to be best budds. You see the juniors always writing about how we`re always together and that it`s hard to tell us apart in our testi. Yea, I really want things to be normal again. When all of us were in sec1. It was the Best moments. Really.

[Ja*9]